Worth the Wait!

Isn't it amazing how you can get so involved in a thought and a feeling that you allow it to become your reality? I am not sure if this happens to anyone else, but sometimes I see myself allowing those thoughts and feelings to become my personal perceptions. When I was a little girl there was nothing more intriguing to me than the stories and books that lay around the house, were found in the library, or were introduced to me in school. I lived in books, I lived in the fantasy world of make-believe and happily ever afters. My mind was active, I imagined scenario upon scenario about how my own happily ever after would come about, and about how my life would be parallel in some ways to that fantasy world I enjoyed so much. Quite at a young age I began to believe that some great romance would come my way.
I spent my time living my life vicariously through my special aunt who was just a few years older than I. She was beautiful, fun, energetic, smart, and everything that I wanted to be. When she started liking boys, I wanted to like boys too. I think for a little while I only liked the boys she liked, but eventually my own fantasy world took over and I began to find boys who I thought had the qualities I would like to have around. Most of them were handsome, nice, smart, popular, and very rarely were they members of the church. I worried that there wouldn't be a boy that would ever like me back, and I imagined the "what if's" of them liking me back. I fully understood that I wanted to be married in the Temple, but it seemed so far off, I wasn't sure how it could happen if the only likable boys were non-members. I kept praying and hoping and wishing for that special boy to come along who really really knew the things that I knew about the Gospel.
By the time I entered Junior High School in Ronan Montana I was fully aware of how much I liked romance and boys. I loved to dream about all of those boys who were handsome and kind.....I have read journal entries where I ridiculously went on and on about this boy and that, what he said, how I reacted, what I thought it might mean, what my friends thought it ment, etc etc etc. I was silly beyond belief. I wonder that Mom and Dad were so calm about my ridiculous notions and crushes....but then I remember that I was the child that never could hide from Mom and Dad what I thought and who I liked. Perhaps I just liked to talk soo much, or maybe it was because they were some of my favorite people to talk to. The fact is, they generally knew every boy I ever had an interest in because I had to tell them all about my drama:)

Oh my! Then I turned 14 and could go to stake dances and school dances, and DANCE WITH BOYS!!!! Oh yes! I was thrilled, this ment that I was getting closer to finding a guy that would be suitable for my dreams...:::::Sigh:::::: Oh I was silly yes I was. I just knew there was an "Anne of Green Gable's" Gil waiting for me just around the bend in my journey. I knew I would be that lucky girl....oh and I prayed I would.

I had more crushes from the age of 14 to the age of 22 than anyone else I know! When I approached 16, my father said he was going to have all the boys on the wrestling team I managed line up to give me a kiss for my sweet 16th since it was to be spent at a meet in Malta with them. Oh, I acted shy and embarassed, but secretly I hoped he would....but alas, my father was only kidding and actually did not carry out his threat. Then I spent every day making sure I was available, that I was impressive, that I was different from the other girls, and that I was noticed. I think more than anything in High School I probably intimidated some of the boys and they were a little put off by the fact that I was loud, and silly, and emotional, and strong, and a little overweight on top of it. I was harassed by a select few boys who were more interested in things that I felt were inappropriate than I would have liked them to be.

As I neared Prom I hoped and prayed for a Prince Charming to take me to the Prom, to sweep me off my feet, or something equally romantic. Then came along Mike Feeler, and Brian Jensen....two boys that did not fit into my schema or my fantasy world, and neither of them was all that interested/or interesting to me. Oh, what a sad distressed young woman I was to leave High School without having Kissed a boy or held a boys hand.

As the end of High School approached, I just knew that it would happen as I (Miraculously) turned into an adult between my Senior Year of High School and my Freshman Year in College....I just knew the tables would turn and I would find what I so hoped I could. The week I was supposed to head off to college I decided I wanted bangs....so I cut them myself-BAD IDEA! So once again my dreams and hopes were dashed to pieces because I just knew I looked ridiculous and I was going to have to live with it for a while. As luck would have it I met my first crush of my "Adult life" (hehehe) and I felt sure he could like me back....but then he flirted more with the other Jenn than he did with me, and I was sure he wasn't interested. Oh and then he toyed with me and yanked at my heart strings...but in the end He went his way and I went my way.....He came home from his mission a little bitter, and I was so grateful that I didn't pursue beyond the thoughts. There were others, but I kind of decided that the Lord had a plan, and I dreamed a lot and prayed a lot and cried a lot, but I didn't have any more opportunities for anything more than friendship.

Then came the Mission, and OH MY!!! Chilean and Latinos really liked me, but nothing felt certain about those men who were interested, and I spent my mission warding off their attentions and losing myself in the work. I learned that there was serious power in not touching or talking one on one with boys, and my perspective changed...I guarded against something that would be undesirable...I decided the Lord would be in charge of all relationships and decisions I made in regards to men. I knew I could like them from a distance, but I could also be safe from a distance.

Then I hit 24, and 25, and 26 and I cried a lot because I was so lonely, I felt so distraught that I had done so much right, that I had been good and strong and pure for so long and I wondered why I was cursed to be unattractive, or undesirable. I worked on qualities that would be appealing to the man that I hoped I would find, I developed strength of Character and tried to develop my Christlike attributes. I learned to love myself, to appreciate my personal strengths and qualities, and to be strong with or without that thing I desired most of all.

I used to live in that fantasy world, but as the years have molded me, I have grown to love a more deep and precious world and reality. As I attended the Temple regularily I became certain that the Lord had a plan, a program set out for my life. I wanted more than anything to become a mother in Zion, to be a woman of Virtue. I wanted to become that wonderful woman that would be desired by a wonderful son of God. So I worried and worked for years. Somehow since my experience in Vegas and my moving back to Montana, I have transitioned. I still wanted the same things, but I think I resigned myself to the Lord's will because I knew I was where he wanted me to be and I realized that I wasn't going to find anyone on my own. So after so many years, I feel that I calmed down, I focused on being the best me I could be, and on being attractive and sweet and kind and good. As luck would have it, the Lord did have a plan and He is totally worth every tear and every moment of distress. I have found a man worthy of my affections, and I feel soooooo very blessed and happy, and awed that Heavenly Father knew exactly what he was doing. When I ask him what it is he loves about me, often his response is that I keep my covenants, that I have a testimony, and that I am a beautiful daughter of God. There is so much to say, and so little that I need to share, I just wanted those of you who I love to know that I have finally found my Prince Charming, my "Gil", my Knight in Shining Armor. It will take work, it will require dedication, and it requires a lot of help from Heavenly Father, but nothing worth it comes easily. Grandma has shared with me often a quote she heard from a Young Adult woman years ago in regards to marriage. She said, "It is better to live forever without something you want than to live forever with something you don't want." It is sooo true. This has not come about on my time schedule, or in a way I expected, but it has definitely been planned out by some divine hand. I am so grateful for the perspective the Gospel brings, and I am grateful for the years of dreaming and hoping and wishing for something wonderful. I know if I live worthy of the blessings, and so does HE, that we will find greater Joy and Happiness than I could have even imagined in my fantasy world of Happily Ever After. Life is a Journey...each of us has our own path, and each of us is expected to stay on the path with heads held high trusting the Lord is accompanying our every step and that He knows and loves us beyond compare.

This Moment has ABSOLUTLY been worth the wait!