Waiting on the Lord

So life seems a bit like I am in a black hole right now....I'm not sure where to go or what the next move will be. I kind of have to be ready for anything to come up at any moment. Life has a way of holding you back and testing your patience right at a moment when you think you are sure you have everything lined up that you want.

We are currently in a waiting process, a black hole if you will, waiting for permission to go through the temple. For once in my life, I am not the one holding things up, and I am not quite sure what to do to find balance some days. I am beginning to dread 9:00 pm, it signifies two things, goodbye, and see you later. Two things I am ready not to have to say every night of my life.

I know! I know! I can just hear you as you read this...."Just you wait Jennifer, just you wait. You will soon see that you are just an anxious girl engaged and in love blah blah blah.....", but really truly, I am not here just because of the sweet feelings of overwhelming and consuming love.

I am here (at this turning point in my life) for very different reasons. I am ready to have someone to sit next to on tough days and just know that they care, I am ready to deal with money and not have to make all the decisions, I am ready not to have to ask my honey, "should I buy dinner this time?", I am ready to have a routine that doesn't end in a good night kiss and dark streets/highways flanked on every side by nocturnal deer out to get me for a midnight snack.

Most of all, I am ready to start my life with this wonderful man who knows the importance of the Gospel and heeding the Spirit. He is such a good man, I looked over at him in church today (we seem to have become the local sacrament jungle gym for a few cute little girls) and I teared up just knowing that someday those little kids crawling all over him and I during church would be our own.

The possibility of my own children has seemed so distant and untouchable to me because I have hoped and prayed for it for years yet the opportunity has been so long in coming. I know I was born to be a mother, it is ingrained into every fiber of my being....but it has not been an option, it has not been something I could hope for until I found a righteous wonderful priesthood holder to support and care for me, a man to love and marry in the temple. Now I have him, and I can dream and know that it is a possibility (not a guarantee, but a real dream and possibility), yet here I sit in this black hole, planning my life that I cannot set a time frame on because it is not possible to know when it may happen, and hoping for a date could be disappointing.

And yet there is this peace, a comforting awesome power that has crept into my life....I worry that I am not prepared and that is why I need this time, so I am taking the opportunity,
I am preparing myself, I am preparing my sweetheart, we are working together, we are making decisions together, we are settling differences, and beginning to understand more and more who we are, and not just who I am and who he is....How precious is the gift of the gospel and the joy and peace it brings to those who are willing to wait on the Lord. The scriptures promise that exceedingly great blessings will be poured upon the heads of those who patiently wait on the Lord...who patiently do all he asks while they wait for the greatest desires of their hearts to be fulfilled.

So here you find me, patiently waiting, patiently saying goodnight as that hour approaches, gently leaving my sweetheart with a little kiss and driving off knowing that tomorrow is another day and tomorrow holds great possibilities. WE are best of friends, we are learning to love and cherish each other and recognize the Lord's hand in our lives. We are grateful for the "black hole" because it gives us a time of peace and inability to rush in order to get done the little things that will help us be better as we enter into the sacred covenants associated with eternal marriage.

Perhaps I shall call the "black hole" turbulence and remember President Uchtdorf's words in this fall session of General conference. He said that sometimes handling the turbulence in our lives means we slow down, steady the course, and focus on the essential things. Oh what truth there is in those simple words, and what faith it takes to do exactly that. I hope to take this time and do just that, slow down, steady the course, and focus on the essential things that will make our home and our marriage Eternally knit together with the strands of the gospel and the pure love of Christ.

What joy fills my heart to know that I having waited for years, and having hoped for a long time that this day will come, now know who I will marry....it is now a simple matter of when we will be married. When is a much less daunting task....it is easier to face than who. When is easier because I know that I am worthy and have made the effort to be worthy, and I know that he is too. When is not difficult when you know that you are not waiting on a worthiness issue, but rather a paperwork issue. I hope that I handle the turbulence in my life with a steady hand and that I remember to focus on the essential and important things that really count. I am soooooo blessed!

Engaged in a GREAT cause!

So, my last post happened to be on August 3, my Fiances birthday, who consequently became my fiance on August 4th. I am soooooo excited to be pushing forward with my life and preparing for a future of good things. For those of you who think all of us "engaged" or "unmarried" people are living in La la land about the big M of Marriage, I would like to let you know that I hold no "fantasies" about a happily ever after without trials or frustrations. I know the costs, I am sure of the difficulties (what would life be without them?) but I whole heartedly embrace the chance to change my life from a ME syndrome to a WE compromise.

I am totally in love, but not with a dream or a wish or a hope. I have met a man who has surpassed all my expectations in a spouse. When I was young I dreamed, A LOT! Then I grew a bit and realized that my dreams were slightly earth bound and that they didn't have as many lasting qualities as I really wanted. As the years have gone by, the desire to be married has never diminished, but the joy I expect out of finding the love of my life and being a wife has.

To take care of someone and to work together knowing that our love is based on what our loving Heavenly Father would have us do, now that is the fantasy that I choose to seek out. I wondered if I should give up on being so expectant of Gospel and Spiritual preparation and service, but somewhere deep inside I felt the Spirit whispering that if I would build my life right around the gospel and if I would live my life the way the Lord directed that there would come the day when I would find a man who was equal to my preparation. I wasn't attracted to the man because of his charmingly rugged good looks, or because of his financial status(both are wonderful qualities). Not for his kindness, or for his honesty(although they are wonderful). I was first attracted to this man who knew who he was, knew the Lord's hand in his life, and who completely trusted in the Lord to help him push through trial after trial. I was attracted to a man who served seemingly everyone in his ward, and who was known for his "always be willing to serve" attitude throughout the community. I was attracted to a man who two years ago despite serious problems and devastation heeded a Bishops plee and a priesthood promise and dedicated himself to regular planned Temple attendance. I was attracted to a man who upon entering the temple knows every temple workers name and story, who notices if someone is missing from the regular Tuesday night Temple staff. I was attracted to a man who always is the first to volunteer and generally is the last to leave after having completed as many tasks as possible. I was attracted to the man who willingly takes on the responsibility to make others burdens light. I was attracted to the way he played with and loved every child around him. I was attracted to his smile and his lonely eyes.

ALLLL this attraction had to hit my head before it could seep into my heart, but once it did, MAN ALIVE!!!! I was guided to Montana to live, the Lord led me to Podunk little Broadview, and gave me a sweet aunt and uncle who took me in and helped me see the possibilities of befriending a kind man in their ward. Look at us now!!!! less than six months later and we are Engaged in a GREAT cause. We are waiting to set a temple date, but not a day goes by that we don't discuss the joys of being sealed and starting our eternal family. What greater cause can there be than that, Starting an eternal family with covenants and blessings. I am soooooo happy that I waited, that I never gave up.....and I am sooooo thrilled at the prospect of being married to a man who keeps and honors his covenants and lives as a worthy, honorable, dedicated, self-less priesthood holder-A man who puts God before all. What greater joy could I have asked for? None I say, None!

Worth the Wait!

Isn't it amazing how you can get so involved in a thought and a feeling that you allow it to become your reality? I am not sure if this happens to anyone else, but sometimes I see myself allowing those thoughts and feelings to become my personal perceptions. When I was a little girl there was nothing more intriguing to me than the stories and books that lay around the house, were found in the library, or were introduced to me in school. I lived in books, I lived in the fantasy world of make-believe and happily ever afters. My mind was active, I imagined scenario upon scenario about how my own happily ever after would come about, and about how my life would be parallel in some ways to that fantasy world I enjoyed so much. Quite at a young age I began to believe that some great romance would come my way.
I spent my time living my life vicariously through my special aunt who was just a few years older than I. She was beautiful, fun, energetic, smart, and everything that I wanted to be. When she started liking boys, I wanted to like boys too. I think for a little while I only liked the boys she liked, but eventually my own fantasy world took over and I began to find boys who I thought had the qualities I would like to have around. Most of them were handsome, nice, smart, popular, and very rarely were they members of the church. I worried that there wouldn't be a boy that would ever like me back, and I imagined the "what if's" of them liking me back. I fully understood that I wanted to be married in the Temple, but it seemed so far off, I wasn't sure how it could happen if the only likable boys were non-members. I kept praying and hoping and wishing for that special boy to come along who really really knew the things that I knew about the Gospel.
By the time I entered Junior High School in Ronan Montana I was fully aware of how much I liked romance and boys. I loved to dream about all of those boys who were handsome and kind.....I have read journal entries where I ridiculously went on and on about this boy and that, what he said, how I reacted, what I thought it might mean, what my friends thought it ment, etc etc etc. I was silly beyond belief. I wonder that Mom and Dad were so calm about my ridiculous notions and crushes....but then I remember that I was the child that never could hide from Mom and Dad what I thought and who I liked. Perhaps I just liked to talk soo much, or maybe it was because they were some of my favorite people to talk to. The fact is, they generally knew every boy I ever had an interest in because I had to tell them all about my drama:)

Oh my! Then I turned 14 and could go to stake dances and school dances, and DANCE WITH BOYS!!!! Oh yes! I was thrilled, this ment that I was getting closer to finding a guy that would be suitable for my dreams...:::::Sigh:::::: Oh I was silly yes I was. I just knew there was an "Anne of Green Gable's" Gil waiting for me just around the bend in my journey. I knew I would be that lucky girl....oh and I prayed I would.

I had more crushes from the age of 14 to the age of 22 than anyone else I know! When I approached 16, my father said he was going to have all the boys on the wrestling team I managed line up to give me a kiss for my sweet 16th since it was to be spent at a meet in Malta with them. Oh, I acted shy and embarassed, but secretly I hoped he would....but alas, my father was only kidding and actually did not carry out his threat. Then I spent every day making sure I was available, that I was impressive, that I was different from the other girls, and that I was noticed. I think more than anything in High School I probably intimidated some of the boys and they were a little put off by the fact that I was loud, and silly, and emotional, and strong, and a little overweight on top of it. I was harassed by a select few boys who were more interested in things that I felt were inappropriate than I would have liked them to be.

As I neared Prom I hoped and prayed for a Prince Charming to take me to the Prom, to sweep me off my feet, or something equally romantic. Then came along Mike Feeler, and Brian Jensen....two boys that did not fit into my schema or my fantasy world, and neither of them was all that interested/or interesting to me. Oh, what a sad distressed young woman I was to leave High School without having Kissed a boy or held a boys hand.

As the end of High School approached, I just knew that it would happen as I (Miraculously) turned into an adult between my Senior Year of High School and my Freshman Year in College....I just knew the tables would turn and I would find what I so hoped I could. The week I was supposed to head off to college I decided I wanted bangs....so I cut them myself-BAD IDEA! So once again my dreams and hopes were dashed to pieces because I just knew I looked ridiculous and I was going to have to live with it for a while. As luck would have it I met my first crush of my "Adult life" (hehehe) and I felt sure he could like me back....but then he flirted more with the other Jenn than he did with me, and I was sure he wasn't interested. Oh and then he toyed with me and yanked at my heart strings...but in the end He went his way and I went my way.....He came home from his mission a little bitter, and I was so grateful that I didn't pursue beyond the thoughts. There were others, but I kind of decided that the Lord had a plan, and I dreamed a lot and prayed a lot and cried a lot, but I didn't have any more opportunities for anything more than friendship.

Then came the Mission, and OH MY!!! Chilean and Latinos really liked me, but nothing felt certain about those men who were interested, and I spent my mission warding off their attentions and losing myself in the work. I learned that there was serious power in not touching or talking one on one with boys, and my perspective changed...I guarded against something that would be undesirable...I decided the Lord would be in charge of all relationships and decisions I made in regards to men. I knew I could like them from a distance, but I could also be safe from a distance.

Then I hit 24, and 25, and 26 and I cried a lot because I was so lonely, I felt so distraught that I had done so much right, that I had been good and strong and pure for so long and I wondered why I was cursed to be unattractive, or undesirable. I worked on qualities that would be appealing to the man that I hoped I would find, I developed strength of Character and tried to develop my Christlike attributes. I learned to love myself, to appreciate my personal strengths and qualities, and to be strong with or without that thing I desired most of all.

I used to live in that fantasy world, but as the years have molded me, I have grown to love a more deep and precious world and reality. As I attended the Temple regularily I became certain that the Lord had a plan, a program set out for my life. I wanted more than anything to become a mother in Zion, to be a woman of Virtue. I wanted to become that wonderful woman that would be desired by a wonderful son of God. So I worried and worked for years. Somehow since my experience in Vegas and my moving back to Montana, I have transitioned. I still wanted the same things, but I think I resigned myself to the Lord's will because I knew I was where he wanted me to be and I realized that I wasn't going to find anyone on my own. So after so many years, I feel that I calmed down, I focused on being the best me I could be, and on being attractive and sweet and kind and good. As luck would have it, the Lord did have a plan and He is totally worth every tear and every moment of distress. I have found a man worthy of my affections, and I feel soooooo very blessed and happy, and awed that Heavenly Father knew exactly what he was doing. When I ask him what it is he loves about me, often his response is that I keep my covenants, that I have a testimony, and that I am a beautiful daughter of God. There is so much to say, and so little that I need to share, I just wanted those of you who I love to know that I have finally found my Prince Charming, my "Gil", my Knight in Shining Armor. It will take work, it will require dedication, and it requires a lot of help from Heavenly Father, but nothing worth it comes easily. Grandma has shared with me often a quote she heard from a Young Adult woman years ago in regards to marriage. She said, "It is better to live forever without something you want than to live forever with something you don't want." It is sooo true. This has not come about on my time schedule, or in a way I expected, but it has definitely been planned out by some divine hand. I am so grateful for the perspective the Gospel brings, and I am grateful for the years of dreaming and hoping and wishing for something wonderful. I know if I live worthy of the blessings, and so does HE, that we will find greater Joy and Happiness than I could have even imagined in my fantasy world of Happily Ever After. Life is a Journey...each of us has our own path, and each of us is expected to stay on the path with heads held high trusting the Lord is accompanying our every step and that He knows and loves us beyond compare.

This Moment has ABSOLUTLY been worth the wait!

Movies, cakes, and Tornados.....

With it being summer and all, we have what we like to call "construction season" here and that means delays. Last Wednesday as I was driving to Billings for a date and wedding cakes, I got stuck behind a few semi's, and long lines of cars and was unable to pass because there was so much rain and water that I couldn't see far enough ahead to pass....Little did I know that at that point in time Billings was getting pelted with rain and south of Billings was getting pelted with this crazy hail. Windows were busted out, vehicles damaged, and houses flooded or water damaged. The next day I had to start the wedding cakes for my Friends Shannon and Weston, and I had a lot of work to do. Friday I had a date planned and I started the day knowing what I had to accomplish. I went into Billings for Shannons Endowment session, and then was invited out to lunch with the family. I came home and worked on cakes for several hours before I had to clean things up and get ready for the date. We bbqd and played games with Nita and Ron, and really had a nice evening. Saturday Morning I woke up early because I was supposed to be to the Temple early with Weston's pants (they needed hemmed). The sesson was beautiful and afterwards I realized my friend Kolter had taken his endowments out at the same time as the sealing so I waited for him to come out so I could congratulate him and talk for a few minutes. My friend Tana realized I needed help finishing cakes so she volunteered to spend the day helping me and we set out to do cakes. She was a tender Mercy because I wouldnt have finished them like I did without her help. The cakes were beautiful, they were finished on time.

On Sunday I met up with Chris about the same time a storm hit Billings....a very severe thunderstorm with really scary lightening and torrential rains. I was following his truck across town and was shocked at how much water was in the streets, it was really really deep and crazy! Driving took us a half an hour, and there was so much water coming down still! I was really grateful that I was following him and didnt have to focus on where I was going, but only who was in front of me. The streets of Billings were flooding, and conditions were not good for driving. He stopped to pull a car out of the street and to safety after the engine got too much water in it and wouldnt drive.....and then we got to the house. He was soaked so he had to change before he cooked dinner. The craziest part of the week though was the middle of that rain storm...a tornado touched down in Billings Montana, the first in 52 years!!!!!! This put us on the map. The Weather Channel stated that temporarily week tornado alley has been extended to Montana and North Dakota, and the week promises to be crazy. Weather all over the nation is insane, and I am amazed at how much damage it can do, and how Heavenly Father really blessed us and takes care of us amidst the storm. We went walking with his dogs and ended up passing the tornado track. (the walk was wonderful, the debris was incredible!) the following pictures are of the tornado, the Rain, the Metra (12,000 person sports arena that was hit), and areas surrounding the Metra. Life is good, and the whole city was beautiful a couple hours after the storm. Amazing!!!!

When I think about Springtime I think of a millon songs

From when I was a kid I can remember some songs that really had special places in my heart.

I can remember riding in the old Oldsmobile sitting backwards in the seat looking at where we had just come from as we would drive down the road. As I picture this memory, I am looking down at myself and I am humming, singing, or nah nah'ing some tune. I know for a fact that I didn't have a very "tuned" voice, and I wasn't very good at picking out the melody or singing harmony, but I loved to sing! Music always brought something special to my life, it always seems to soothe me, comfort me, inspire me, and help me focus my thoughts and actions. Throughout the years I dedicated myself to singing a lot and practicing and eventually I arrived at being able to sing fair enough that no one grabs their ears and screams "PLEASE STOP" hehe! Anyways, here are some songs that really touch my heart, and have impacted my life in one way or another. All of them have some emotional tie to my past, and a story to go with them. These are from when I was a child, and will forever and always go down in my heart as some of the songs that defined who I am.....

Bryan Adams: Everything I do
Alabama: Angels Among Us
LDS Hymns: The Spirit of God
Bette Midler: The Rose
Alan Jackson: Chatahoochee
Alan Jackson: Littly Bitty
Bryan Adams: Please Forgive Me
Alabama: I'm in a Hurry
LDS Childrens songbook: I love you
Eurythmics: Sweet Dreams
Billy Joel: We didnt start the Fire
Journey: Don't Stop Believing
U2: With or Without You
The Bangles: Walk Like and Egyptian
Coolio: Gangsta's Paradise
Louis Armstrong: What a Wonderful World
Judy Garland: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Julie Andrews: My Favorite Things

And so on and so forth. I love music, and Spring time makes me think of all the music that has helped me do a lot of things in life....oh and if you hear me sing and you think it is terrible, please please please be discrete in sharing it with me, I do honestly believe that we are supposed to "make a joyful noise". I love all kinds of music that is uplifting, wholesome, and energetic., and I am pleased to note that music is a large part of my life to this day, I love to work with my music, play with music, drive with music, and do all things with appropriate music. LOve LOve Love it!

Swamped!!!!!

The past week has been everything for me with my emotional gauge bopping all around the place. I swear it has been from stress to relief, pain to joy, surprise to wow it really is what I think it is, and finally lonely to accompanied. School is out for the summer (yeah I don't have to be responsible for kids, lesson plans, and grades). I spent Wednesday night (until 12 at the school and until 2 after leaving the school) inventorying my Spanish library(monotonous, but methodical my kind or organization :-)

Thursday I intended to spend working on the other paperwork and finishing inventory, but rather I spent the entire day trying to play catch up with my brain and body on two separate planets. At four I finally gave up the battle and went home, covered my windows with heavy dark blankets, threw something (not sure what i did put in there) into the crock pot, and CRASHED for about 3 hours. I was woken by the phone, and then spent the next 4 hours trying to wake up from my insane nap....at about 10 I finally resumed my work.

Friday I worked and worked and worked, finished my stuff, went out with the ladies from work, and then took a full on nap in the back seat of my car while waiting for my friend Chris to get off work so he could work on my car. Why in the back seat of my car? Well for several very LOGICAL reasons, and I promise they are really my reasons.....First, I was in Billings and I live 30 miles out (too far to drive out and back in an hour), Second, I was really tired, Third, I was super super tired, Fourth, because the closest place I could think of going to was the Church and I knew I couldnt go in and take a nap, Fifth, because I had a blanket and a pillow in my car and WHY not? Really, I think the brain cannot absorb enough O2 when you don't get enough sleep and so I basically pulled over, parked in the Church lot, and gave in! (for those of you who live in Billings and I could have come to your place, I COULDNT MAKE IT!!!!!! It was pretty bad.

Well Long story Short, he fixed my car (very kind) and I went home (after a short game of Phase 10 with Abigail). I went to bed and forced myself to sleep....it felt really good. I have slept a lot at strange hours of the day the past week, but I am going to get back into the right habit soon. I hope!!!!!!
Anyways, since I have been home, things have been crazy like the always are on the farm.....I am glad though, it is a totally different type of work when you are out here....it is slow, steady, and repetative....you learn it well, and then your body just goes on command.....then you are left free to explore the very vast and seemingly endless corners of your simple yet complex and unconquered space otherwise known as your BRAIN.....

I drove tractor all day yesterday, and I felt pretty good about it....in fact I thoroughly enjoyed up and down the field....I was in control of making straight beautiful rows....it was right down my alley.

Today was seed cutting, not as much fun, but certainly charming in its own way.....who doesnt like chopping things into pieces? especially with their hands.....anways, it has been fun, but tiring and now it is late again and I am worn out....Gettting up in the morining to take a look at a different world from off the seat of a bike.....hopefully!!!!! wish my luck!

Something quick and thought provoking tonight. Love you all and I hope you enjoy this video. It really shows that Science doesn't always discount that we were all created by Heavenly Father. I think it is amazing what God has taught men.



Have a wonderful day!